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My dad is sleeping on the couch and my parents have been lying to me about it.
Ah, shit

Lost in a blurred reality

I can't hold on to what's real anymore. My inhibitions are dragging me back to a place I try to ignore, to forget about, but it keeps coming back to haunt me day after day. I feel so isolated, no one here-hell, no one anywhere-really knows me and the dark secrets that continue to dictate my actions and daily life. How do I escape from this labyrinth of suffering?

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Truth be told,

I'm lonely. I miss him. I regret it. I want a someone who will be there to hold me when I'm feeling bad. I don't care if that means I'm desperate. Is it wrong to want a guy? I know I had one, I had a great one who loved me, and I ruined it. I know I lied to everyone, myself included, in the process. Or maybe I don't know that. Maybe I'm just remembering the good parts and completely blocking out the bad. Maybe I'm just so lonely hat I'm not remembering clearly and changing those couple of months because that's the way I wish it had been.

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When you have 1 drink, and you throw up, but the two events are unrelated.
You want to know what makes it worse?
When you throw up on the floor of a room that isn't yours.
You want to know what makes it worse again?
When the people whose floor you just threw up on are people you just met that night.
Yeah...that was my night last night.

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snow

The snow is falling, shooting sideways, across the screen that is my window, going straight to the trees that I see, disappearing completely. I think I may be one of those snowflakes, lost in a sea of sameness, just floating, drifting, completely out of control, not knowing where I'm going to end up 2 seconds from now let alone a few years. These flurries are all I can see out of my window, placing me in a trance of confusion. I can't seem to get a grip on anything, like a snowflake that melts as soon as it touches anything solid, disappearing as soon as you take your eyes away for just a second. Disappearing, drifting into nothingness, not really having a place, but not completely alone.

Old music

Old Music brings back quite a few old memories. I'm not a fan of this. I guess it's true what they say, the song does remember when. Or in my case, the album remembers when he gave it to you for your birthday just days before your first kiss, taking that first ounce of innocence, leaving what might have been love, but was probably nothing more than an infatuation. He was convinced otherwise though. He knew he loved me. He knew he wanted to be with me for as far into the future as he could see. He knew so many things I kept trying to deny. I was thinking about it earlier today, and I know I said he was smothering and annoying, but I can't seem to remember anything that was too much of that. I was just making excuses. He had quirks, don't get me wrong, but that was what I liked about him in the first place.
Oh my God, what am I doing? I just need to stop dwelling on the past and get on with my life. I can't keep wondering what might have been, I just can't. New year, new school, new me, new man. That's all there is to it. Once I find someone new, I'll forget about all of this, or at least remember it less. And if that's the solution, then the plan will commence right now.

Why does it always go like that?

Every single time I even have an inkling of feelings for someone they end up being unavailable? It's because he has a girlfriend, or my best friend likes him, or my new friend likes him, or he's moving, or I'm moving, or something that causes my planets to NOT align. Why can't there be someone, for once, who feels the same way about me that I feel for him? I probably sound like a whiney teen girl right now, but enough is enough! If this doesn't happen by itself, I'm going to make something happen because I miss the feeling of someone hugging me. I don't even like hugging and I miss it. Yeah, all the other stuff is great, don't get me wrong, but there's something about a guy hug that makes it seem like everything really will be okay and that for that one moment, you're safe. Apart from the few times that I've seen my parents since I've been at school, I haven't been hugged or kissed or anything, and it's making me crazy. I never thought it was before, but physical contact, no matter how small it is, can turn your whole day around. It's gotten to the point where I'll just hug my pillow, because that's something more than what I have to deal with right now. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now.

Death

I've been thinking about it a lot. It seems so foreign, and yet I'm not really afraid of death like I used to be. I think it may have something to do with the realization that I have no control over it and it's going to happen regardless of what I do. All I can do is enjoy the time that I have and make it into one hell of a journey.

Writer's Block: Open book test

Based on the books on your bookshelf, what conclusions would people draw about you?


Well...My bookshelf is pretty intesnse. It's actually more like 4 floor to ceiling shelves. They're alphabetized by author, and then by publication date. I think people would just think I'm obsessed with books, which is true.

And so it begins

I'm finally moved in to my dorm, and things all seem to be going well as far as being at the school itself. The problem,however is that I seem to be falling into my same pattern of nothingness and loneliness already and I've been here less than 36 hours. How is this already happening when I just got here. This is supposed to be the adjusting time not the time when I'm going more and more crazy than ever before. I don't even want to go to dinner because of all of the awkward "Can I sit here?" moments, or even worse than that sitting alone and looking like a super loner. I'm hoping that it gets better once classes start because then I can focus on what I've been trained to focus on and just study all the time. Maybe I'll joing choir or something too, just to see if I can keep more busy.